Thursday, January 11, 2001

Clone Jesus

Say, here's a great idea: Why not clone Jesus?

It ain't my idea. It's the core premise behind clonejesus.com

Evidently, the resurrection wasn't good enough.

Evidently ONE resurrected Jesus isn't good enough. We need an ARMY of Jesuses -- like the clones of Hitler "The Boys from Brazil."

Yeah. You heard it here first. Some loonies want to clone Jesus, figuring there must be a stray cell or two in one of the leftover pieces of the “true” cross. I’m not shitting you. Behold....”The Second Coming Project”...


Clone Jesus

See? I'm not making this up. Evidently, there are people out there who want to clone Jesus. It’s such a freaking bizarre concept. I get this R. Crumb-y vision of an endless line of robed, grinning, identical Jesuses trucking towards us from the horizon. Tootling around the country in a tour bus. Mass bookings at the Holiday Inn: WELCOME JESUSES! All those Jesuses hogging the pool, doing that walking-on-water thing and scaring the kids.

Every Christian denomination, sect, cult, etc. could have its own personal Jesus.

Then, inevitably, would come the “OUR Jesus is better than your Jesus” conflicts.

Wait a second, we already have that!


One of the Jesuses could be a game show host. Like, say, on a reality TV show -- “Damnation Island”...?


ANNOUNCER: Jesus and 12 disciples are trapped for 12 weeks on Damnation Island! Our contestants are going to find out, being a disciple is a lot harder than it looks!

JESUS: One of you will betray me. At the end of 12 weeks, we're going to find out who!


Wednesday, November 1, 2000

There's a fast train coming


OK. More thoughts on the referendum for a Tampa-Orlando-Miami high speed rail corridor.

High speed rail makes sense in every way. Like it or not we are moving to a post-petroleum paradigm and this kind of transportation is the wave of the future. If we wait till 2040, we'll be buying trains from China instead of selling trains to China. The energy we put into (essentially) single-rider vehicles is unsustainable.

Critics attack the bullet train with a cost-benefit analysis, basically saying it won’t have enough passengers and won’t turn a profit. How the hell do they know? That’s an assertion, not an argument. But it also misses the point.

Infrastructural investment isn’t based on immediate profit.

None of America’s massive infrastructure projects, from rural electrification to the Interstate highway system to the Tennessee Valley Authority, were based on a firm income projection. These infrastructural networks were created for the benefits they would give the public , not the benefits to investors, based on a hard-and-fast profit model. In most cases, these projects generated profit — eventually. But it was never a sure thing from the gitgo — and the profits never come until after the networks are built. That's the reason these projects had to be created with a public investment in the first place. These networks require such a massive capital outlay, a slight miscalculation could ruin a private investor. Basically, the risk of these massive infrastructural investments is too great for a private company — unless it’s a monopoly. Historically, these networks can only be built by the government, a public/private partnership guaranteed by the government, or a monopoly.
So, granted that we need this infrastructure, granted that private enterprise isn’t building it, the government is the only entity left that could possibly build it. The government has a reason to build it (the people’s common good, not profit) and a constitutional right to do it (rooted in the commerce clause). Though libertarians may disagree, that’s the legal basis for the government’s right to regulate interstate commerce, to establish roads and highways and to regulate (or subsidize) infrastructural industries like the power industry and communication. And high speed rail.

Without government investment in infrastructure, we would not have the internet, we would not have atomic power, we would not have a national interstate system, and any number of other things.
Now allow me to make a simple, obvious, possibly stupid point.

Creating jobs isn’t the point of government spending on infrastructure. It’s a side benefit, sure. But it isn’t the point.

The point of a Postal Service isn’t to give jobs to postal workers. The point of maintaining a massive infrastructure of roads and gas station isn’t to give jobs to road workers, traffic cops and car mechanics. The point is the benefit to the public these networks create.

The point of a bullet train is the train itself. Not only the direct benefit to the people who use it, but the benefit to everyone else in the country who need a similar system. High speed rail in Florida would be a demonstration model that shows the concept can work in America – and can be repeated in other states.
The assault against high-speed rail is an exercise in knowing hypocrisy.

Critics of the project think it’s bad for the government to pay for trains. But planes and automobiles? That’s different! It’s good when the government pays for them!

These critics turn a blind eye to the massive investment our government makes maintaining the infrastructure (physical and regulatory) for airplanes, roads, cars and trucks. Government handouts for cars and plains are good; handouts for bullet trains are creeping socialism.

The dice are loaded; the game is fixed.

If high speed rail is such a bad idea, why does it work in Europe, China and Japan? Would they be better off with a massively congested highway system like we have? More importantly, is the true motive for the massive resistance to high-speed rail in America a high-minded sense or financial responsibility or a love of big checks from the auto, oil and airline industries?

Let's say the referendum passes. Let's say by 2009, this thing is up and running. Let's say high speed rail works. What then?
If high speed rail works in Florida, it could work anywhere. The auto and airline industry might sorta see that as a threat, dontcha think?

Just saying. It's probably a moot point.

I've got a feeling the referendum is going to pass.

All on board, kids.

Monday, October 30, 2000

America at the crossroads


America takes its first, fumbling baby steps into the 21st century. There are problems we'd like to avoid, but problems we must face. Courageously, the Republican party confronts us with the key challenge of our age ...

Evidently, a gay Mexican couple plans to sneak over the border, get married, open up an abortion clinic and burn the American flag.

Saturday, October 7, 2000

Dumbass fratboy wins debate


Caught the debate. We're screwed, folks. It's over.

George W. Bush was a twisted combination of righteousness (praise Jesus!) and a bad boy, cowboy attitude (pass the goddamn ammunition!) He's going to win. I knew it the second I saw the fucker.

There he was debating Al Gore. Gore was talking like a boring chemistry professor and saying things that made people feel bad. ("You kids should really clean up after yourselves. I am appalled to see the lab sink is filled with unwashed titration flasks.") Bush came off like Richard Dawson on Family Feud, grinning, shucking and jiving. ("Hey, pops. I got better damn things to do than wash your stinky old bottles.") The camera loved him.

Bush is going to win.

Tuesday, October 3, 2000

Oh beautiful for ...

OK. I could've watched the Presidential Debates.

Or I could've watched the premiere of Dark Angel.

This ...



Or this ...



You be the judge.

Wednesday, August 30, 2000

The adman ... behind blue eyes

The August 2000 issue of Sarasota Arts and Entertainment is now, officially, in print. It'll be our last issue. Thanks to everyone who put their shoulder to the wheel. But this is it.

That's all she wrote.

Looking back, we did almost everything right. We made a few Darwinian mistakes. Shoulda gone to Mac in 1995 and dispensed with pasteup. Shoulda streamlined the congerie of contributors. Shoulda gone for a Web site instead of a TV show. Other than that, we did OK. We covered a scene, had an identity, had our own flavor. And what a damn good flavor it was.

So what killed us?

Lack of advertising revenue.

We found ourselves competing with:

A) Shamelessly advertorial-based publications that out-and-out traded "ink for ads." I.e., you advertise with us, we write about you -- and say only nice things.
B) National publications (like the local NYT chain paper or Creative Loafing) that launched local tabloid publications that cut into our niche.

Understand. Our circulation went up and down from 20,000 to 30,000. High season we print a lot. Summer, we cut back. But we did OK. We had a loyal following.

Except for the advertisers.

Like I always said, it felt like we were performing for a hall of 25,000 people. The first rows were the 50 advertisers who paid for what we did. The rest of the hall could be applauding like mad. If the advertisers in the front row are sitting on their hands, it doesn't matter.

Thousands of readers loved us.

Not enough advertisers loved us.

So we have to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Friday, July 28, 2000

Report from Siggraph: Motion blur

Caught Phil Tippett giving history of imagination. Jesus, drowning in fan boy idolatry. Little models of the killer bot from RoboCop, Imperial Walkers, etc. outside the hall. Tippet did a survey from stop-motion to CGI. Started his survey at the cave paintings. The bison at Lascaux had a motion blur, hence, animation. Nice.