I want my NKVD

(to the tune of Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing")

I want my, I want my NKVD
I want my, I want my NKVD

Russian mobster, look like a lobster
Got a Lubyanka mamma on the old Black Sea
That ain't freedom, look at how they screw you
It's freedom for nothin' cause nothing's free

That ain't freedom, look at how they screw you
Lemme tell ya, them guys ain't dumb
Sell your sister, like a transistor
Suitcase bomb, you can have some fun

{Refrain}
We stocking GUM with crates of fucking blue jeans
Designer label posteriors
We got to please these Euro tourists
We're working for the nomenklatura

Here comes the new boss
Just like the old boss
Lemme tell you, these guys are worse
A bullet in the brain can be an act of mercy
A brain that's full of pain is a lifetime curse

Look at them prestoopniks
That's the way you do it!
Brains just like a monkey's
They do what they do and don't know it's crime
That ain't freedom. That's the way they screw you
Papa Joe made the trains run on time

I want my, I want my NKVD
I want my, I want my NKVD

Mulholland Drive, wrapped in plastic

Caught Mulholland Drive on DVD. It resembles Psycho, edited with a chainsaw.

Writing is hard. Jesus Christ, I know that.

It's one thing to write scenes and dialog. That's hard enough. But to make all those scenes and dialog somehow fit together, make you want to keep watching and add up to something? Well, Hitchcock could do it. David Lynch figured out you don't have to do it.

Just write a bunch of scenes and dialog.

And don't make them fit together.

Missing sketches

What follows is a partial list of missing comedy sketches, dates approximate. These were originally posted on various AOL message board and, later, in the free speech zone of ACLU's web site. Both entities cleaned house and deleted these files. The sketches still existed as word documents on my HP. Then, naturally, I had a hard drive crash. I backed the sketches up on a Zip disc, of course, but have now misplaced the !@#$ disc.

2002
I want my NKVD

2001

Tales of the FBI
The FBI ignores evidence of an Al Queda terrorist plot in its zeal to fight video piracy.

Johnson Jones, Private Dick
1930s slang and lots of bad puns.

Tomorrow is a Piece of Shit
James Bond's latest assignment takes him to various redneck junkyards, gas stations and shitty trailers in Atlanta. The latest Bond villain is a snuff-dipping fatass. The latest Bond woman is, too.

The Death Interview
The Grim Reaper promotes his new book on Late Night with David Letterman.

Crap-n-Poop
A massive store (a la Safeway) has a massively annoying jingle containing every possible marketing cliche. "There's so much more of what there's so much more of -- at your friendly neighborhood Crap-n-Poop!"

2000

Travel Advisory
A parody of a State Department travel advisory. The message: Most of the planet wants to kill us: stay home.

Gorilla Suit Jesus
Jesus, as a test of faith, returns a second time, not as a gorilla, but as a man in a gorilla suit. The Fundamentalist Christians, not expecting this, reject him. [Recovered]

Atlas Flushed
An Ayn Rand-style movie about John Crapper, the uncompromising inventor of the toilet.

The Legacy
The Skull and Bones Society (which resembles Animal House) conspire to make George W. Bush the President of the United States. He may be incompetent, but, like Flounder, he’s a legacy.

Mr. Large
A kingpin of crime rises from the gutter. Ultimately, he dies of old age.

What Really Happened to the Taco Bell Chihuahua
The Taco Bell Chihuahua (in an obvious homage to John K's Ren) eats genetically engineered StarLink corn, grows to enormous size (What ... ees .. happening to me?) and goes on a rampage.

1999

About a Doughboy
The Pillsbury Doughboy sees a shrink. He wants to be a Doughman. He’s sick of people poking him in the belly and expecting him to make that cute laugh. The shrink pokes him in the belly. He goes on a shooting rampage.

Monster on Trial
Perry Mason defends Godzilla for the crime of stomping Tokyo. There are 10 million witnesses. Godzilla is declared innocent.

The Yogi Bear Sutra
Capacious indeed is the intelligence of Yogi Bear, far surpassing the mental abilities of ordinary bears.

Conspiracy Fact
The secret rulers of the global financial system meet in their underground lair: Richie Rich, Rich Uncle Pennybags (aka the Monopoly Man), Daddy Warbucks, C. Montgomery Burns and the Monopoly Octopus. They agree to speed up the timetable for the destruction of the American Middle Class.

1998

War of the Worlds [Oct 30 1998]
A rant in honor of the 60th anniversary of the War of the World’s Broadcast. Complaint #1: The future is a cheat: no flying cars. Complaint #2: HG and Orson probably had it right. If there are aliens out there, they probably want to eat us. Why are we broadcasting our presence?

Teddy Bear's Picnic
The Teddy Bears turn out to be badass, Hells Angel biker-types. They don't appreciate their fucking picnic being disturbed.

When Irish Eyes Aren't Smiling
An American-Irish family visits a charming Irish pub in Dublin filled with colorful characters. They leave with snapshots and memories. They return two hours later. It turns out the charming characters were all paid character actors. Now we see the bar's actual patrons: bitter, IRA thugs. Who beat the Americans savagely.

Clown College Reunion
Ronald McDonald appears at his Clown College reunion. The other clowns mock him for being a "corporate clown" and deride his fake magic.

1997
Necromarketing
Dirt Devil had the digitally reanimated corpse of Fred Astair dancing around with a vacuum cleaner. As long as we're going to turn the dead into corporate shills, who else could we dig up?

Titanic -- the God-proof boat!
In 1912, the White Star Line makes "God Himself couldn't sink her!" the tagline of their advertising campaign for the Titanic. It's God-proof, or your money back.

Rage against the Schween
The head of Schween Marketing reveals the giant machine at the heart of his factory spitting out Rage Against the Machine t-shirts, CDs and bumper stickers.

The Bob Marley Trial
Bob Marley is tried for shooting the Sheriff. He’s stoned out of his mind and his testimony makes no sense. “I did not shoot the Deputy.” What Deputy? Who said anything about a Deputy? [Earlier draft recovered]

An Immigrant's Story
A man comes to America from the old country in the early 1900s. He has a dream: selling hot, steaming turds from a pushcart. Anything is possible in America!

1996

Quentin Tarantino's Night Before Christmas
Santa and henchman stage an ultraviolent home invasion. (Written in collaboration with Kevin Dean)[Recovered]

English as a Second Language Theater
A beginning English speaker writes sketch comedy in which the punchline is always “Turds!”

Slingbladerunner
Carl chases replicants with his slingblade. Some folks call it a Kaiser blade.

Side Effects May Include
A new wonder drug has a long list of symptoms including Lycanthropy and "Scanners" syndrome.

Miss Oleo
Miss Oleo (a real psychic, as opposed to Miss Cleo) warns a woman that her murderous, ex-boyfriend stalker is in her apartment. She tells her where to stand and exactly when to bash the skillet over his head. [Around here somewhere]

The Real Psychic Network
Real psychics tell you your real future, which turns out to be horrible and depressing. For an extra fee, they tell you what you did in a past life, which is also horrible and depressing.

1995

Star Trek 90210
Twentysomething yuppie scum in space.

Republichrist
The new Republican Bible reimagines Jesus as a glad-handing, asshole businessman.

A Clockwork Gallery Walk
Alex and his droogs engage in art criticism.

Alex's Clockwork Oranges
Alex introduces his new breakfast cereal.

Son of Religion Incorporated
A grab-bag of jive religions: Jehovah's Prosecuting Attorneys, Seinfeldology, Harry Kirshners, Christian Mad Scientists and more.

Sex is Fun for Kids on Drugs
A lampoon of conservative perceptions of the evil, liberal media. Various hypothetical TV shows designed to destroy belief in God and sexual morality.

1994

Homerman
Homer Simpson attends a company picnic with his family. Suddenly, nobody knows who he is and Homer is on the run in a parody of Nowhere Man, the Prisoner, the Manchurian Candidate, and every other paranoid fantasy. A spec script for The Simpsons Halloween special. [Probably lost forever]

Beanie Babies
A Peter Lorre-like figure lives in terror of the Beanie Babies. Their little bellies are filled with beans. They're always following me! He meets a bad end.

Wo Fat Diet
Wo Fat of Hawaii Five-0 captures Detective McGarrett. He informs his old enemy that the People's Republic of China has, at last, defeated the decadent United States. Then he buries him beneath a mountain of cheap, crappy consumer products.

Acid Casualty Insurance
Acidheads running an insurance company grok the deep connections between life and death and math and stuff.

Nazi Track
A parody of the Nordic Track, this is an exercise machine for white supremacists involving goose-stepping and seig-heiling.

1993

The Flamemaster 3000
Kids love fire! Now, just in time for Christmas--a flame-thrower for kids! Use only as directed. (South Park did something pretty freaking similar. Not that I'm saying anything.) [Rewritten, which makes it hard to prove I thought of it first.]

Mr. Mercenary's Neighborhood
Mr. Rogers' replacement is a survivalist gun nut.

An Ugly Day in the Neighborhood
Mr. Rogers is insane. In our continuing Mr. Rogers saga, a cameraman witnesses him declaring himself the God of the Neighborhood of Makebelieve. Mr. Rogers captures the snooping cameraman, ties him up. The puppets hold a trial, verdict: death. The cameraman is rescued by Barney, who shoves Mr. Rogers down the toilet.

You Can Never Go Down the Drain
Mr. Rogers, graphically, reassures children that you can never get sucked into the toilet, kicking and screaming helplessly as the filthy waters choke you and the darkness closes in. Your parents didn't lie to you. No, of course not.

1992

Fight Stubborn Grunge with New! Instant Prozac
A drug company tests its new, fast-acting anti-depression medication on Nirvana and Pearl Jam. It works and ruins their music careers.

It's a Horrible Life
A corrupt businessman is ultimately responsible for destroying the hopes of the 1960s. The world would be a better place if he'd killed himself. Clarence the Angel points this out to him. (SNL did a similar skit featuring Newt Gingrich. Mine was first, damnit.)[Recovered]

Oh, Say, Could You Just Shut Up a Second?
Francis Scott Key rushes into Ft. McHenry where his friends have all been shot up after a night's long seige. Is the flag OK? All he can think about is the freaking flag. His friends are pissed.

Moonwalker: the Director's Cut
A re-edited version of Moonwalker in which the Joe Pesci character saves the children from pedophilic attentions of Michael Jackson.

1991

The Ballad of Slade Killgun
A serial killer's killing spree brings publicity and prosperity to a dirtbag town in the Old West. When he dies by accident, the townsfolk cover it up, stage copycat murders and keep the legend alive.

Believe in the Beans
The Magic Bean salesman sells Jack a new religion.

ASAP's Fairy Tales
A series of ridulously telegraphic fairy tales for busy parents with no patience.

Satan Claus
Santa emerges as an evil figure who dominates the world and uses children’s greed to turn them against their parents.[Recovered]


Mold Injected Plastic
The American Mold Injected Plastic Association throws away millions of dollars on an idiotic, nationwide "mold-injected plastic awareness" campaign. The advertising agency can't convince the President of the AMIPA that no one gives a crap about mold-injected plastic. It is, after all, his life.

1990
The Old Prospector
This character is truly a shit. He has a knack for predicting disasters. Everyone always ignores him. Then he dances around like a loon when the disaster happens saying "I told you so."

American Chainsaw Association
When chainsaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have chainsaws.

Missing scripts

Cartoon scripts, spec scripts and serials ...

Except for fragments, am also missing the following spec scripts. Most of these were written and posted in serial format on various websites.


Clinton, Clinton, I’ve been Thinking (1995-1999)
No story arc. Pretty much a bunch of surreal sketches about 1996 Presidential campaign, and the endless investigation that continued before, during and after. Ken Starr, Clinton, Monica Lewinski … it pretty much wrote itself. [partially recovered]

The following three scripts had a loose story continuity. I wrote them in serial form, then attempted to edit them down to something episodic and producible. Saw it as an animated cartoon, but could also have worked as live action.

THE BIG DAMN MEDIA SATIRE

Revenge of the Son of the Glass Teat (1995)
The world is disappearing up its own self-absorbed asshole. There’s a simple explanation: aliens are stealing our media. Their spaceship resembles an enormous glass teat. But Elvis and Bigfoot overcome the aliens, take control, return from space and set humanity free. At least for now.

Koreshan (1996)
Jack Getz is a single parent who lives with his two sons in the dilapidated family hotel he inherited in Florida. A cartoonist, his once promising career is on the skids. He’s been recently fired from Walt Disney Studios for putting suggestive images in Alladin. After that, his career has been a downward slide to progressively crappier ad agencies, print shops and huckster promotion firms. Salvation comes: a golden cash cow. Jack is hired by an emerging global media empire. The CEO is Mr. Haack -- a South African composite of Rupert Murdock and other media tycoons. Unknown to Jack, the aliens are using Haack's corporation as a front to launch their new product. Agents from the Okinawan independence movement tell him about the alien plot. They inform him that, instead of writing whiz-bang cartoons about cosmic battles, he actually has to fight one for a change. He thinks its bullcrap, until he takes their advice -- and discovers a vast underground network of tunnels left over from the last human civilization 20,000 years ago. The aliens have used us before. There's some kinda resolution, but I forget. Once again, Jack gets fired.

Me, Robomonkey (1997)
Haack releases the test version of the alien product -- User Generated Media -- a black box that the aliens plan to install in every human home. (An all-purpose, home entertainment center/replicator) Robomoney is the cute, helpful intelligent agent designed to make it easy for the humans to use the product -- just tell him what you want, and he grabs it for you! But Robomonkey escapes the virtual world and wreaks havoc in the real world, thereby derailing the aliens’ plans.

CHARACTERS
Ethan Haack -- the South African CEO of Haackworks Media. He resembles Sydney Greenstreet.
Jack Getz -- cartoonist, writer, loser. Basically, Jack is to me what Kilgore Trout is to Kurt Vonnegut.
Supermodel -- a model with superpowers. She's bitter about the loss of her native Hong Kong to the PRC.
Robomonkey -- an intelligent agent who escapes the alien's virtual world in a parody of "Altered States."
Highway Woman -- a mild-mannered woman who transforms into a Fury of Vengeance at the sight of a lack of courtesy.

True Stories of the FBI

TRUE STORIES OF THE FBI
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to “true stories of the FBI” featuring real actors pretending to be loosely-based composites of real agents and no cross-dressing. Ever. Tonight’s story: “NONE DARE CALL IT BOOTLEG.” We take you back in the summer of 2001. We’re deep inside the heart of the FBI’s Intelligence Analysis Division. As our story begins, an earnest, young rookie agent is just coming in from the field. He learns something. You will too.

AGENT JONES comes running in waving a file stuffed with papers.

JONES: Director! Director! You’re not going to believe…

DIRECTOR: (not recognizing him) And you are…?

JONES: Agent Jones.

DIRECTOR: (considering this – it doesn’t ring a bell) Jones. Jones? I don’t think I …

JONES: It’s been awhile, sir – six months, actually. I’ve been undercover – deep cover – but I think it’s finally paid off.

DIRECTOR: Refresh my memory.

JONES: I’ve infiltrated six different flight schools and …

DIRECTOR: (totally confused) Flight schools?

JONES: Yeah. What I found out was, they all contained disproportionate numbers of Middle Eastern nationals. Weird guys. Creepy-looking guys. Some approached me and attempted to rent crop dusters.

DIRECTOR: So…?

JONES: It adds up to terrorism, sir. A new kind of terrorism.

DIRECTOR: (scornfully) Terrorism? Six months undercover, and all you come up with is “terrorism” …? This is the FBI, Jones. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.

JONES: Like what?

DIRECTOR: Like video piracy, that’s what.

JONES: Video piracy?

DIRECTOR: Yeah. While you’re playing Junior G-Man, we reorganized the whole bureau. Today’s FBI is totally focused on video piracy.

JONES: You got to be kidding me.

DIRECTOR: I wish I was, Jones. It’s a crime wave. It’s big.

JONES: How big, sir?

DIRECTOR: International. We’re working with Interpol now. Terrorism’s just not priority.

JONES: (digesting this) Uh. Maybe it’s just me, sir, but …

DIRECTOR: Spit it out, Jones.

JONES: Shouldn’t international terrorism take priority to video piracy?

DIRECTOR: Is that what you think, Jones? Yeah, it figures. You would think that – snot-nosed academy punk. You want the headlines, the sexy assignments – “Terrorism”… “drugs” … “organized crime.” You think video piracy’s not important? Listen up, Jones. Let’s say we turn a blind eye, what happens then? They teach you that at the academy?

JONES: Uh … no.

DIRECTOR: No? No. I didn’t think so. Well they should, Jones. (tapping his forehead) Think Jones. Let’s play it your way. Let’s forget the bootleggers and go after the so-called “terrorists.” While you’re off hunting Carlos the Jackal, the pirates board and loot and have their way with Hollywood. What’s the harm? A few bootleg copies of “Zoolander,” a DVD rip of “Training Day.” What’s the harm you say?

JONES: I didn’t…

DIRECTOR: (cutting him off) I’ll tell you what the “harm” is, Jones. What happens to creative artists who don’t get fairly compensated for their intellectual property rights?

JONES: Sir ...

DIRECTOR: What happens when your local Blockbuster goes bust? Ever think about that? Barry Dillar’s out on the street – not to mention all the moms and dads at MCI and Sony with hungry mouths to feed. What happens to the studios, Jones? No subsidiary rights, no secondary income from video and DVD. They’re forced to cut back on production values – you know what that means? No more explosions for Jerry Bruckheimer. He starts doing chick flicks – lotsa talk, hugs and kisses, relationship stuff. Little Johnny grows up watching that, little Johnny grows up soft. And what about little Johnny? He can’t go down to Blockbuster anymore, let alone some Mom and Pop porno stand. Where’s he go? The street, that’s where. Back alley video. He comes home with third generation bootlegs full of scan lines, Jones. Scan lines and bad synch and bad audio to match. Johnny’s up in his room watching some knockoff of “Pretty Woman” that looks like a dirty car windshield on a rainy night ‘cause that’s all he can get. His eyes go bad, his ears go bad, and little Johnny grows up light in the loafers ‘cause he grew up watching chick flicks. Little Johnny, and all the little Johnnies across America. So America grows up soft. And before you can say “Me so horny,” the commies are drinking Starbucks in Seattle – Why? Because you’re worried about a few towelheads in cropdusters. That’s what happens if we play it your way.

JONES: I didn’t think, sir.

DIRECTOR: No. You didn’t. Ever notice that FBI warning at the end of every video?

JONES: Yeah.

DIRECTOR: Ever read it?

JONES: No.

DIRECTOR: Well you should Jones. Read it. Memorize it. Think about it. The FBI stands behind that warning. Don’t you ever forget it. (addressing audience)And that goes for you too, America. It’s time to just say “no” to copyright violation and turn in your friends. They’ll thank you for it. So will the FBI. Goodnight, America.

ANNOUNCER: This has been a “true story” taken directly from the video piracy files of the FBI. Any resemblance to persons, places or things represented in this teleplay is purely coincidental. All rights reserved.

Moxies Book of Farters

Here's the thing. I know for a fucking fact that, with the exception of a few deranged wannabe screenwriters around the country, nobody reads me. So I'm going to tell the truth here. This is dangerous truth. But nobody's going to notice. Except for you guys. And you're nuts anyway.

Osama bin Laden is absolutely right. We are, in fact, a threat to Islamic civilization. "We" meaning the West -- America, Europe, etc., etc. Our Big Mac culture of consumerism and cultural relativity. "Islamic civilization" meaning a theoretical society based on a literal, fundamentalist intepretation of the Koran and Sharia law. We are at war. Yeah. Duh.

But that doesn't mean we have to fucking admit it.

Back in the 1500s and 1600s, Catholics and Protestants used to kill each other. Now, with a few nutcase exceptions, they don't. But they used to.

By way of example, there's a book called "Foxes's Book of Martyrs." As the title implies, it's a who's who of Protestants who died for God. In one charming anecdote, some dude from England is vacationing in Spain. This visiting Brit sees a parade. A religious procession. There's a glass case at the front of the parade. A monstrance. A glass case displaying the consecrated Host. Said host, according to Catholic theology, has transubstantiated into the body of Christ. The Host, kids, is God. And so, the loyal believing Catholics are bowing and scraping before this sacred wafer. This really pisses the Protestant off. Such idolatry! He leaps to the front of the parade and smashes the monstrance to the ground. For his pains, the Catholics grab him and slowly torture the shit out of his ass. He KNEW this would happen. But he smashed the monstrance anyway. Because he believed.

This kind of stunt doesn't happen so much in the West anymore. We get along. We don't lose any sleep over whether the wafer is transubstantiated, consubstantiated, a sign, a symbol or a fucking cracker. We certainly don't piss off angry mobs over the question.

See, there's a reason Catholics and Protestants, for the most part, get along in most of the Western World. If you get right down to it, WE DON'T TAKE OUR RELIGION SERIOUSLY.

For the most part, we ignore the primitive, pagan, psycho shit that doesn't fit in the 20th century. In the Old Testament, admonitions to stone witches and adulterers to death. In the New Testament, advice like cutting off your hand and gouging out your eyes if it/they lead you to sin, giving away one coat if you have two, and taking infinite shit from any bully who wants to give you shit and never standing up for your rights. We pick and choose. The Bible is a fucking smorgasbord. We fill our plates with Peace and Love and leave the genocide, hate and end-times psychosis.

Hey, believe what you want. It's your business. God is a hairy thunderer. God is a cosmic muffin. Cool. Whatever. Who gives a shit?

This is the recipe for peace. That's what we're trying to sell to the Religion of Peace.

If Ann Coulter and Michael Savage and the rest of these CHUDs don't screw it up, that is.

The Right Wing nuts are salivating over the notion that we're not at war with Islamic extremists -- we're at war with Islam! It's the religion of jihad, goddamnit! They point to this passage or that passage in the Koran. They ignore all the kill-em-all-let-God-sort-it-out passages in our Bible. They ignore the fact ...

That, except for a few loons, wingnuts and idjit heads in militias, almost nobody takes the Bible seriously. This explains why nobody's getting tortured to death over wafers anymore.

Ultimately, the strength of the West is rationalization, bullshit, selfishness and hypocrisy. We say one thing; we do another. We go through the motions at church -- and forget it for the rest of the week. That's what's made us great.

The Islamic world needs to follow our example. We need to destroy their faith and turn it into a purely private affair that nobody takes seriously. Absolutely.

But, for God's sake, don't say it.

Awkard Segway

Evidently, "It" is a gyroscopic, two-wheeled scooter that makes you look like the biggest dweeb on the planet.