“Oswald was patsy!” MI-6 agent claims.

Macau, China. Recently revived from 50-some years of storage in a cryonic facility in Macau, China, MI-6 “commander” James Bond is, if not in fact than in majority opinion (lay and scientific), whom he claims to be, according to genetic evidence—a 100% DNA match, based on 1963 samples—although “doubters” cast doubt on reliability and authenticity of same. Leaving said controversy aside, is Bond to be believed?

Bond's claims are nothing less than shocking. If true, we are shocked indeed. How shocked?

Let the facts or claims speak for themselves.

“Oswald was a patsy!” Bond claimed, in a recent televised and recorded statement referring to Lee Harvey Oswald. “He was a wetworks agent assigned to Felix Leiter, my CIA counterpart.”

By way of explanation, Bond elaborated that Oswald’s mission was one of insertion, deception and prevention. Of what? Specifically, the 1963 assassination of United States of America President John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

“I thought he was on drugs,” Bond recalled ruefully, referring to Oswald and not President Kennedy. “The CIA had—there was all that Owsley LSD stuff floating around at the time, and some of it had clearly floated his way. At least that’s what I assumed when he started going on the way he did.”

According to Bond, during his time as a supposed “defector” in the USSR, Oswald claimed to have infiltrated a SMERSH operational unit based in the outskirts of Yalta—and possessing a humid, hot climate similar to that of Dallas, Texas.

“Oswald was always on about that," Bond asserted. "He said they’d created the whole goddamned street. By which I mean Elm Street—the bloody street in front of the Texas School Book Depository and all the rest of it.” The former MI-6 agent went on to say that the procession of JFK’s motorcade (and the President's subsequent assassination by triangulated crossfire) had been repeatedly rehearsed—according to Oswald's story.

Bond added that, "The story was crazy. But the story checked out."

According to Bond, once his doubts ended, his mission began.

Oswald, meanwhile, had a double mission. From a Soviet perspective?

“Oswald was meant to draw fire and attract police attention,” Bond affirmed. “The killshot was never Oswald’s job. Getting caught bloody well was. During his inevitable trial, he had a rehearsed speech spilling the details of Operation Mongoose—that stupid CIA plot to assassinate Castro with pornography or exploding cigars or some shite of that variety, in case you’re wondering. Oswald would openly boast of Castro’s revenge and bloody well dare the USA to start World War III. The Soviets assumed the stupid USA wouldn’t be that bloody stupid—and look impotent and ineffectual as a result. All the Lumumbas they had under their thumb would have a field day."

Instead, Bond and Oswald worked together to thwart the plan with a counter-scheme involving lasers and explosions.

“It was sodding brilliant,” recalled Bond. “We’d all be smoking cigars and ball—enjoying ourselves in Jamaica in the end.”

Instead, Bond experienced a sudden blackout. And a rude awakening.

“I woke up in this shitty place called The Village,” he said wistfully. “Lots of parades and stupid conformity and this fucking balloon that would eat you. I hated it. Never fit in, really.”

According to Bond, that’s why they put him to sleep.

“Next thing I knew, I woke up in Macao in 2014,” he said. “All these Chinese doctors grinning at me. ‘The joke’s on you,’ they said. But I knew better."

A rueful expression crossed Bond's apparently 36-year-old face.

“It was really on Oswald. Lee, I should say. Lee. Poor bastard—brothers in arms, and such. I hate what they did to him, really hate it. He really was a bloody patsy, just like he said. The joke was on him, wasn’t it?”