Three-Card Monte

Attention Democrats.

Ah. This is probably a waste of time. But to hell with it. As I was saying ...

Attention Democrats.

Impeachment is a sucker’s play, a grift, a con, a friendly game of Three-Card Monte, Lucy urging you to kick a football, a letter from a Nigerian prince who needs your banking information, a wallet with a string attached to the sidewalk. Don’t fall for it.

Think about it. Douse your glee. Curb your enthusiasm. Slap yourself in the face, stick your head in a bucket of ice water, and consider the situation objectively.

Aside from Trump’s continual, egregious outrages, how’d we get here in the first place? As hack screenwriters like to say, what was the inciting incident?

Well, uh. Trump was talking to the Ukrainian president on a plane.

“Hey. Mr. Zelensky. Spill the dirt on Joe Biden’s son, or we’ll cut off military aid to Ukraine.”

An anonymous whistleblower overhears this, pushes the panic button. Democrats rejoice! We got the sumbitch! Finally! Let the wild impeachment rumpus begin!

The whole thing stinks. It’s too damn good to be true.

It’s bait, you idiots. President Trump wants to be impeached. Obviously. The “whistleblower” is probably working for him. But, for the sake of argument, let’s say this is all legit. Trump shot his mouth off. A patriotic citizen heard, and passed it on. It’s all true! You say so. It still won’t matter. Trump still wants to be impeached.

Because that's how he’ll win.

Let’s say impeachment hearings begin. Trump won’t be caught by surprise. And he'll know what to do. Strictly speaking, the 1% who installed this vacuous catspaw in the White House will know what to do.

Trump (and his supporters) will counter the real story with a fake story. A carefully prepared, bogus narrative designed to flip the situation.

Trump will spout this story on Twitter and Fox news. Trump's toadies will enter the hearing with that story on their lips.

Here's what they'll say ...

Bogus narrative

If you see past his bad hair, Trump is a good man. And he wants to do good things.

Trump simply wants to call shenanigans on China, build a wall to keep out the w— illegal immigrants, cut regulations and taxes, give ice cream to children everywhere, and make America great again. Shouldn’t that earn America’s love? Yes, it should. But it doesn’t always work.

Like Christ, Trump is endlessly persecuted. By whom? The evil Democrats who suffer from “Trump Derangement Syndrome,” that’s who. Or whom.

Now these evil leftists (who want to take your guns) have finally railroaded Trump into a kangaroo court. Like Jesus, Trump faces a trial with a foregone conclusion. It’s a witch hunt. The persecution has begun! But you can stop it. 

Blah, blah, blah. 

That’s the bogus narrative. And it's pure Teflon.

Stubborn facts don't stick to it. Nothing does. Law. Evidence, Argument. They just slide right off. 

The tale is a lie. But Trump's supporters won't doubt it for a second. 

To prove the point, I’ll carve out a piece of my heart.

Confession time ...

During the Clinton impeachment, I never once took the charges against him seriously. This was a vast right-wing conspiracy in action. Obviously. The Republicans started off investigating an S+L scandal and somehow shifted it to a BJ. Did I want to let them get away with it? Hell no. 

That’s how I felt. That’s how the vast majority of Republicans and right-leaning independents will feel when Trump is impeached. They’ll see Nancy Pelosi et al making angry faces. They won’t think: “Trump’s crimes deserve their anger.” They’ll think, “God, such hate. It’s a witch hunt.” Your Republican friends and relatives will say this to your face with righteous anger in their eyes. And your only rhetorical card to play?

“You dumbass morons! How stupid can you be? Trump’s the bad guy! Obviously! You don’t see it? F***—there must be something wrong with you. And I know what it is! You shitkicking shitheads are a bunch of racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic deplorables.”

“Fuck all y’all,” in other words. It feels good when you say it. Outside of college campuses and the listeners of Democracy Now, that argument won’t fly. 

And that argument will suck the oxygen out of the upcoming Presidential campaign. The Democrats will be hissing and spitting like angry cats when the impeachment fails. The Republicans will point and say, "See? There's the hateful socialist mob that tried to destroy a good, good man." 

Speaking of which … 

There are 470 days until the 2020 Presidential election. If impeachment hearings proceed in the House, it bloody well changes the subject from Trump's election to Trump's impeachment. That's happening now.

Let’s say the Democratic-controlled House votes for the Senate to hold an impeachment trial. The Republican senators in charge will do a hard-sell on the persecution narrative. Armed with simplified talking points prepared by the opposition research of well-funded right-wing think tanks, they'll know just what to say. And they'll keep saying it. Over and over and over.

The impeachment will fail. 

The Republican-controlled Senate won’t find Trump guilty. Duh. We’re talking 2020, not 1974. Whatever they privately think, the Republican senators will publicly support Trump. And make a shitload of stirring speeches about the unprecedented assault on American democracy which the House impeachment hearings represented. In all my years in public office, I have never … blahblahblah. 

This will go on and on and on. 

The Democrats will be demoralized. Trump's base will be energized and fighting mad. The impeachment will fail. The Democrats will probably lose the House. And Trump will win the 2020 presidential election.

The impeachment will fail. And Trump will win.

Trump will win. Trump will win. Trump will win.

So much winning.

Dig it.

Twittering madly, Trump will sail into the White House, pack the Supreme Court, and push the Doomsday Clock closer to midnight. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Before the clock strikes. I’ll have to move to France. And my French sucks.

Please don’t fall for it.