"Boris' Inferno" or "That's One Hell of a Big Hole"

Announcer: We leave Rocky in a valiant attempt to rescue Gary Powers from his X-Plane's death-spiral toward certain doom.

Bullwinkle: (in X-Plane cockpit, wearing pilot's helmet) I'm not really Gary Powers. The story's kinda complicated.

Announcer: Thousands of miles away, Boris and Natasha have been spelunking in the caves of Turkmenistan. This improbable vacation is a last-ditch attempt to rekindle their failing romance. But they discover a fire of a different kind ...

INT, cave. Natasha Fatale and Boris Badanov confront a ghastly hellmouth.

Natasha: You see what I see, Boris?

Boris: Is metaphysical question, Natasha. Am high-school drop-out, OK? How should I know?

Natasha: Is horrible pit to hell, Boris!

Boris: As opposed to nice pit to hell?

Natasha: Is not time to be funny, Boris.

Boris: You can say that again.

Natasha: Is not time to …

Boris: Shaddup! Fearless Leader is here.

Fearless Leader is, indeed, standing right behind them.

Natasha: Hello, Fearless Leader.

Fearless Leader: “Hello” pfui! Big problem this is!

Boris: No kidding! Big problem for entire humanity!

Fearless Leader: No, stupid idiot. For you!

Boris: Ho-boy. Is blame-shifting time?

Fearless Leader: No, Boris. Is time now I pin big heroic medal on your chest.

Boris: Really, Fearless Leader?

Fearless Leader: Really, Boris. Cross heart and hope to die.

Boris: Ho-boy! I fall to my knees Fearless Leader! (Boris does.) Thank you so …

Natasha: Fearless Leader is f**king with you, Boris.

Boris: Wash mouth out with soap, Natasha! Is insult to …

Fearless Leader: Natasha is right, Boris. Natasha is always smart one—and much more sexy.

Natasha: (whispering) Please to get up, Boris.

Boris: OK, OK. Yuck. So embarrassing.

(Boris stands up.)

Fearless Leader: Is touching relationship.

Boris: Not lately.

Fearless Leader: Shaddup! Sexy or not, Natasha is scapegoat, too. Is nothing personal.

Unholy, guttural howls emerge from the flaming vortex.

Natasha: The devil things are making noise in hellhole, Fearless Leader.

Fearless Leader: “Hell hole”…?

Natasha points.

Natasha: Rip in space-time continuum, dimensional vortex … whatever. Such terminology is unclear to me, Fearless Leader. Is not my area of training, OK?

Fearless Leader: “Training” … pfui! You are covering for loser boyfriend!

Boris: Am not loser.

Natasha: Is not boyfriend.

Fearless Leader: Shaddup! This hole is “Boris Hole,” obviously. I now take closer look.

Natasha: Please not to be getting too close Fearless …

Fearless Leader: Aggghhhh!

Fearless Leader falls into the hellmouth. Boris and Natasha watch his descent with a mixture of relief and horror.

Boris: Ho-boy. Is loss of recurring character, Natasha. Now what?

Natasha: Now we cut to commercial, Boris. All problems will go away.

Boris: You think, Natasha? Pfui! Is something Americans believe!

Natasha: Is American show, Boris. Wave goodbye.

Boris and Natasha wave. Screams emerge from the hellmouth.

Cut to —