Saturday, March 25, 2006


OK. It's not that I had a bad time. I'd be happy to watch Milla Jovovich arrange her sock drawer.

It's a case of too much movie and too little budget. There are some great ideas (a zero-dimensional storage space) and a few cheesy ideas (a virus in the future that turns people into vampires). Even a cheesy idea can make a helluva SF movie, rightly handled. Unfortunately, there ain't enough money to pull it off. The special effects barely rise above 1997 video game level. The martial arts stuff is well staged, but it seems fakey in the crappy special effects context. All rather bloodless, which is ironic in a vampire movie. Even bad production values are forgiveable -- with a strong script. But the script is incoherent. Connective tissue has been snipped away to keep the action going. As a result, I have little idea what's going on.

The moral of the story: if you ain't got a lot of bucks, make sure you've got a strong script with a narrative that drives through like a tank through a mud hut. Come to think of it, that's a good idea even if you do have money.

Milla. Love ya, babe. Call me.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Sopranos endings

OK, here we go. The Sopranos' final season, finally. How will the fucking series end?

Here’s my take –

The A-4 aka Meadow’s-Got-a-Gun ending

In this version. Season 6 would have two story arcs: Phil Leotardo’s smoldering resentment over Blundetto leads to an all-out gang war with Tony’s crew; an FBI team we actually take seriously (a la “The Untouchables”) gets on Tony’s case. In both arcs, Tony emerges victorious. He wipes out Leotardo’s crew and absorbs his action; the FBI screw up. He’s on top of the world, ma. On top of the world.
Somewhere along the way, AJ gets either killed or brain-damaged as a result of getting sucked into Tony’s life. Meadow, one day, just decides Tony has to die, buys a gun, and puts a bullet in his brain. While this happens, “Woke Up This Morning” plays in the background. The theme song turns out to have been a prophecy. The end was contained in the beginning. Everything comes full circle.

The Goodfellas ending
The name “Sopranos” turns out to be a prophecy. The Feds back Tony into a corner and he sings. He winds up in the Witness Protection program amongst the pod people of suburbia.

The Firefly ending
The crew of the Firefly goes back in time. Mal emerges and says “Best be coming with us, Mr. Soprano. They’s fixing to cancel your series and we could use your particular brand of expertise.”

The Psychology Today ending
Tony has a breakthrough in therapy and resolves his personal demons. He makes restitution and goes back to college and starts studying to be a Life Coach.

The Russian mobster returns

The good news: he’s dead. The bad news: he’s undead.

The ducks return
And kill Tony

The Godfather III ending
The Pope offers Tony a motion picture deal: the Mad Max series, reshot in Aramaic, with Tony as producer and Christopher as screenwriter/director. The script is in development and the Pope comes to America. The Pope makes a sub rosa visit to the Badabing and dies on a poisoned canoli meant for Tony. The assassin returns, and kills Meadow by mistake. Tony falls to his knees. Opera music plays.