Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Missing sketches

What follows is a partial list of missing comedy sketches, dates approximate. These were originally posted on various AOL message board and, later, in the free speech zone of ACLU's web site. Both entities cleaned house and deleted these files. The sketches still existed as word documents on my HP. Then, naturally, I had a hard drive crash. I backed the sketches up on a Zip disc, of course, but have now misplaced the !@#$ disc.

I want my NKVD


Tales of the FBI
The FBI ignores evidence of an Al Queda terrorist plot in its zeal to fight video piracy.

Johnson Jones, Private Dick
1930s slang and lots of bad puns.

Tomorrow is a Piece of Shit
James Bond's latest assignment takes him to various redneck junkyards, gas stations and shitty trailers in Atlanta. The latest Bond villain is a snuff-dipping fatass. The latest Bond woman is, too.

The Death Interview
The Grim Reaper promotes his new book on Late Night with David Letterman.

A massive store (a la Safeway) has a massively annoying jingle containing every possible marketing cliche. "There's so much more of what there's so much more of -- at your friendly neighborhood Crap-n-Poop!"


Travel Advisory
A parody of a State Department travel advisory. The message: Most of the planet wants to kill us: stay home.

Gorilla Suit Jesus
Jesus, as a test of faith, returns a second time, not as a gorilla, but as a man in a gorilla suit. The Fundamentalist Christians, not expecting this, reject him. [Recovered]

Atlas Flushed
An Ayn Rand-style movie about John Crapper, the uncompromising inventor of the toilet.

The Legacy
The Skull and Bones Society (which resembles Animal House) conspire to make George W. Bush the President of the United States. He may be incompetent, but, like Flounder, he’s a legacy.

Mr. Large
A kingpin of crime rises from the gutter. Ultimately, he dies of old age.

What Really Happened to the Taco Bell Chihuahua
The Taco Bell Chihuahua (in an obvious homage to John K's Ren) eats genetically engineered StarLink corn, grows to enormous size (What ... ees .. happening to me?) and goes on a rampage.


About a Doughboy
The Pillsbury Doughboy sees a shrink. He wants to be a Doughman. He’s sick of people poking him in the belly and expecting him to make that cute laugh. The shrink pokes him in the belly. He goes on a shooting rampage.

Monster on Trial
Perry Mason defends Godzilla for the crime of stomping Tokyo. There are 10 million witnesses. Godzilla is declared innocent.

The Yogi Bear Sutra
Capacious indeed is the intelligence of Yogi Bear, far surpassing the mental abilities of ordinary bears.

Conspiracy Fact
The secret rulers of the global financial system meet in their underground lair: Richie Rich, Rich Uncle Pennybags (aka the Monopoly Man), Daddy Warbucks, C. Montgomery Burns and the Monopoly Octopus. They agree to speed up the timetable for the destruction of the American Middle Class.


War of the Worlds [Oct 30 1998]
A rant in honor of the 60th anniversary of the War of the World’s Broadcast. Complaint #1: The future is a cheat: no flying cars. Complaint #2: HG and Orson probably had it right. If there are aliens out there, they probably want to eat us. Why are we broadcasting our presence?

Teddy Bear's Picnic
The Teddy Bears turn out to be badass, Hells Angel biker-types. They don't appreciate their fucking picnic being disturbed.

When Irish Eyes Aren't Smiling
An American-Irish family visits a charming Irish pub in Dublin filled with colorful characters. They leave with snapshots and memories. They return two hours later. It turns out the charming characters were all paid character actors. Now we see the bar's actual patrons: bitter, IRA thugs. Who beat the Americans savagely.

Clown College Reunion
Ronald McDonald appears at his Clown College reunion. The other clowns mock him for being a "corporate clown" and deride his fake magic.

Dirt Devil had the digitally reanimated corpse of Fred Astair dancing around with a vacuum cleaner. As long as we're going to turn the dead into corporate shills, who else could we dig up?

Titanic -- the God-proof boat!
In 1912, the White Star Line makes "God Himself couldn't sink her!" the tagline of their advertising campaign for the Titanic. It's God-proof, or your money back.

Rage against the Schween
The head of Schween Marketing reveals the giant machine at the heart of his factory spitting out Rage Against the Machine t-shirts, CDs and bumper stickers.

The Bob Marley Trial
Bob Marley is tried for shooting the Sheriff. He’s stoned out of his mind and his testimony makes no sense. “I did not shoot the Deputy.” What Deputy? Who said anything about a Deputy? [Earlier draft recovered]

An Immigrant's Story
A man comes to America from the old country in the early 1900s. He has a dream: selling hot, steaming turds from a pushcart. Anything is possible in America!


Quentin Tarantino's Night Before Christmas
Santa and henchman stage an ultraviolent home invasion. (Written in collaboration with Kevin Dean)[Recovered]

English as a Second Language Theater
A beginning English speaker writes sketch comedy in which the punchline is always “Turds!”


Carl chases replicants with his slingblade. Some folks call it a Kaiser blade.

Side Effects May Include
A new wonder drug has a long list of symptoms including Lycanthropy and "Scanners" syndrome.

Miss Oleo
Miss Oleo (a real psychic, as opposed to Miss Cleo) warns a woman that her murderous, ex-boyfriend stalker is in her apartment. She tells her where to stand and exactly when to bash the skillet over his head. [Around here somewhere]

The Real Psychic Network
Real psychics tell you your real future, which turns out to be horrible and depressing. For an extra fee, they tell you what you did in a past life, which is also horrible and depressing.


Star Trek 90210
Twentysomething yuppie scum in space.

The new Republican Bible reimagines Jesus as a glad-handing, asshole businessman.

A Clockwork Gallery Walk

Alex and his droogs engage in art criticism.

Alex's Clockwork Oranges
Alex introduces his new breakfast cereal.

Son of Religion Incorporated
A grab-bag of jive religions: Jehovah's Prosecuting Attorneys, Seinfeldology, Harry Kirshners, Christian Mad Scientists and more.

Sex is Fun for Kids on Drugs
A lampoon of conservative perceptions of the evil, liberal media. Various hypothetical TV shows designed to destroy belief in God and sexual morality.


Homer Simpson attends a company picnic with his family. Suddenly, nobody knows who he is and Homer is on the run in a parody of Nowhere Man, the Prisoner, the Manchurian Candidate, and every other paranoid fantasy. A spec script for The Simpsons Halloween special. [Probably lost forever]

Beanie Babies
A Peter Lorre-like figure lives in terror of the Beanie Babies. Their little bellies are filled with beans. They're always following me! He meets a bad end.

Wo Fat Diet
Wo Fat of Hawaii Five-0 captures Detective McGarrett. He informs his old enemy that the People's Republic of China has, at last, defeated the decadent United States. Then he buries him beneath a mountain of cheap, crappy consumer products.

Acid Casualty Insurance
Acidheads running an insurance company grok the deep connections between life and death and math and stuff.

Nazi Track
A parody of the Nordic Track, this is an exercise machine for white supremacists involving goose-stepping and seig-heiling.


The Flamemaster 3000
Kids love fire! Now, just in time for Christmas--a flame-thrower for kids! Use only as directed. (South Park did something pretty freaking similar. Not that I'm saying anything.) [Rewritten, which makes it hard to prove I thought of it first.]

Mr. Mercenary's Neighborhood
Mr. Rogers' replacement is a survivalist gun nut.

An Ugly Day in the Neighborhood
Mr. Rogers is insane. In our continuing Mr. Rogers saga, a cameraman witnesses him declaring himself the God of the Neighborhood of Makebelieve. Mr. Rogers captures the snooping cameraman, ties him up. The puppets hold a trial, verdict: death. The cameraman is rescued by Barney, who shoves Mr. Rogers down the toilet.

You Can Never Go Down the Drain
Mr. Rogers, graphically, reassures children that you can never get sucked into the toilet, kicking and screaming helplessly as the filthy waters choke you and the darkness closes in. Your parents didn't lie to you. No, of course not.


Fight Stubborn Grunge with New! Instant Prozac
A drug company tests its new, fast-acting anti-depression medication on Nirvana and Pearl Jam. It works and ruins their music careers.

It's a Horrible Life
A corrupt businessman is ultimately responsible for destroying the hopes of the 1960s. The world would be a better place if he'd killed himself. Clarence the Angel points this out to him. (SNL did a similar skit featuring Newt Gingrich. Mine was first, damnit.)[Recovered]

Oh, Say, Could You Just Shut Up a Second?
Francis Scott Key rushes into Ft. McHenry where his friends have all been shot up after a night's long seige. Is the flag OK? All he can think about is the freaking flag. His friends are pissed.

Moonwalker: the Director's Cut
A re-edited version of Moonwalker in which the Joe Pesci character saves the children from pedophilic attentions of Michael Jackson.


The Ballad of Slade Killgun
A serial killer's killing spree brings publicity and prosperity to a dirtbag town in the Old West. When he dies by accident, the townsfolk cover it up, stage copycat murders and keep the legend alive.

Believe in the Beans
The Magic Bean salesman sells Jack a new religion.

ASAP's Fairy Tales
A series of ridulously telegraphic fairy tales for busy parents with no patience.

Satan Claus
Santa emerges as an evil figure who dominates the world and uses children’s greed to turn them against their parents.[Recovered]

Mold Injected Plastic

The American Mold Injected Plastic Association throws away millions of dollars on an idiotic, nationwide "mold-injected plastic awareness" campaign. The advertising agency can't convince the President of the AMIPA that no one gives a crap about mold-injected plastic. It is, after all, his life.

The Old Prospector
This character is truly a shit. He has a knack for predicting disasters. Everyone always ignores him. Then he dances around like a loon when the disaster happens saying "I told you so."

American Chainsaw Association
When chainsaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have chainsaws.

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