Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Dystopia Fund

You've heard it all before. The world is coming to an end. Jesus is coming back and He's pissed. Everything Must Go!

Yes, most of the depressing predictions of SF books and movies are right on the money. The future’s going to hell in a handcart. All the worst parts of the Bible are coming true. Aw, poor you. Stop whining! Why despair, when you can invest? It's time to cash in on your impending doom! I'll even make it easy for you!

Introducing "The Marty Fugate Dystopia Fund."

Yes, I do the research, you cash in. Just ask yourself, if the rotten future finally comes true, what companies will profit? The principle is sound ...

Prediction: Civil order will break down.
Invest in corporations supplying guns and ammo, dried food, bottled water, gold, spam, impregnable home fortresses, fallout shelters and the like. Think survival gear—but don’t forget anti-survival gear! If the planet starts to resemble “The Road,” cyanide tablets will be a must.

Prediction: We will bow to our robot overlords.

"More human than human.” Yes, that’s the motto of the Tyrell Corporation in Ridley Scott's heartwarming "Blade Runner." Why not make it your motto? Invest in real world robot corporations while they’re still on the ground floor! Consider providers of combat robots, slave robots and middle level manager robots. Sure, the robots will turn on us ... eventually. Until then, you'll turn a handsome profit!

Prediction: We’ll have sex with our robot overlords.
Oh Brave New World ... Before too long, Steve Jobs will announce the iGasm – his sleeker, smaller version of the Orgasmatron, from Woody Allen’s Sleeper. After that, expect a living doll army of "Romantic companion" robots, aka sex bots. Sex toys aren’t toys anymore! Shit, before long, they’ll want prenuptial agreements. Japan, of course, is an industry leader.

Prediction: The boundaries between man and machine will blur.
Forget cyberpunk. Think cyberprofit! Bet your chips on cybernetic prosthetics, genetic engineering, nanobot pharmaceuticals, and cloning. Stronger, faster, better, baby!

Prediction: Privacy will end.
Big Brother is watching you? Keep your eye on Big Brother, and all his Little Brothers. The smart money backs advanced surveillance gear and facial recognition software.

Prediction: The zombies will attack.
Chainsaws. They’re not just for lawn crews anymore. Cash in while you can!

Prediction: Scarcity will lead to cannibalism.
Soylent Green is made out of people? More accurately, Soylent Green is made out of money. That's the reason it's green.

Seems easy? Sure. But connecting the dots takes expertise, my friends.

What's the real world equivalent of the Shimata Dominguez Corporation? Of the Tyrell Corporation? Of the Weyland-Yutani Group? Obviously, you could do the research yourself. Why bother? I've done it for you!

Call: 1-900-666-6666. Operators are standing by!

The end is near.

Invest now!

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