EXT, ROAD, BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
Ellie Mae and Uncle Jed in the jalopy. Jed's driving. (Through scene, jalopy slowly accelerates.)
ELLIE MAE: How come Jethro ain't coming, Uncle Jed?
UNCLE JED: Another one of them auditions, I reckon.
ELLIE MAE: Slow down, Uncle Jed. Yer going awful fast.
UNCLE JED: That'd appear to be the problem, Ellie Mae.
ELLIE MAE: Who's Jethro playing?
UNCLE JED: Some fella named Moe Greene, I reckon.
INT, HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY
Jethro emerges, wearing sunglasses.
JETHRO: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Director! What here's my motivation and all?
VOICE: (OS) Taking a bullet through the eye.
EXT, HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY
SOUND: Bang! (OS)
JETHRO: (OS) How'd I do?
SOUND: Thud! (OS)
EXT, ROAD, BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
The jalopy is tearing down the road, insanely fast.
ELLIE MAE: Put on the brakes, Uncle Jed!
UNCLE JED: I reckon there ain't no brakes, Ellie Mae.
ELLIE MAE: I reckon that ain't good.
UNCLE JED: I 'spect you're right, Ellie Mae. I 'spect you're right. Best commence to screaming.
They both start screaming. Simultaneously.
The jalopy crashes through a railing and into a ravine.
EXT, CLAMPETT SWIMMING POOL - DAY
GRANNY is cooking her "medicine" at the still.
GRANNY: Goldurn it. What's takin' em so long?
She hears Ellie Mae and Uncle Jed hollering (OS). Screams get louder and louder. Granny looks right. Left. Finally looks up. A shadow crosses her face.
GRANNY: Aw, heck.
INT, JAIL, MAYBERRY - DAY
Sherriff Andy Taylor is working at his desk.
DEPUTY BARNEY: (OS) Hey Andy, we got us a new prisoner.
ANDY: Well, bring him in, Barney. Don't keep our guest waiting.
Andy looks up and sees --
Barney walking in with the killer from "No Country for Old Men."
EXT, PETTICOAT JUNCTION - DAY
View of water tower by the railroad tracks. Three cute young women popping up at the top.
SINGER: (OS) Lots of curves, you bet. Even more when you get to the junction.
They duck back down.
SINGER: (OS) Petticoat Junction!
BETTY JO: (OS) Agggh! That's hydrochloric acid in there!
The water tower suddenly dissolves into pieces and crashes down. Right into the path of the oncoming --
Cannonball Express Train.
Which derails and thunders into --
THE SHADY REST HOTEL
Which shatters to flaming tinder and keeps going like some incendiary snowball from hell until it reaches the Main Street of --
Creating untold destruction and still --
Keeps going, in a massive avalanche of debris until it reaches the Main Street of --
INT -- DOUGLAS HOME - DAY
Mr. Douglas wakes up in bed. Alone. Reacts to --
SOUND: (OS) Explosions. A series of shocks and aftershocks, fading like distant thunder.
OLIVER: What one earth was all that noise? Lisa! Lisa!
Gets out of bed. Looks out window.
Sees a distant curtain of flame. Debris is still raining down from the sky, clattering against the window glass.
OLIVER: My goodness. I'd better call the fire department!
Oliver runs through the house to reach the phone perched atop the telephone pole outside -- then does a double-take in the kitchen.
To Oliver's profound surprise, there's a brand new phone on the wall. Steel.
OLIVER: Well, I'll be. Alf and Ralph. They finally did it!
He picks up the phone.
EXT - DOUGLAS HOME - DAY
A violent electrical display crackles inside the house. It catches on fire.
EXT, LAKE TAHOE - TWILIGHT
Benji the dog is sitting in a boat holding a fishing rod in his mouth. A shadowy figure sits behind him.
EXT, SILVERMAN MANSION - TWILIGHT
Fred Silverman watches from the window.
Hears a GUNSHOT (OS)
Closes the curtains.
"Godfather" theme fades in.