Monday, August 4, 2014


An orb appeared above the earth. Approximately the size of the Rock of Gibraltar, but off-white and ovoid. This shiny, hovering egg of indeterminate origin (alien? demonic? divine?) gave random people superpowers. This may sound jolly wonderful; in practice it wasn’t. Certain rotten people wound up with super powers. Like the gentlemen who realized people treated his suggestions as commands. Like the cute, little, blonde-haired girl he politely asked to walk out into traffic. Who did, smiling and trusting. And was promptly run down by a Good Humor truck.

He carried this on for awhile. Somewhere along the line, he wound up with a big crate of gold. Gold, for some reason, was important to this son of a bitch. Despite his absolute power over human minds, he still felt the need for tangible assets. Go figure.

Various complicated things happened. At some point, another super-powered, ex-human got involved. He, resembling an angel with big-ass, Renaissance painting style wings popping out of his back. Wings capable of lift and flight. Maybe the aliens made his bones hollow. Who knows?

But the fiend approach this angelic friend and commanded him to take him up to the orb. Surely his powers of persuasion would work there? The sky was, indeed, the limit.

He didn’t simply want to ascend to heaven.

He wanted to ascend to heaven in a 1959 Cadillac Coupe de Ville which one of his victims had graciously given him before setting himself on fire.

The angel, smiling politely, immediately obeyed.

The man sat in his driver’s seat, the crate of gold next to him. An oxygen mask on his face, as well. The man, evil as he was, wasn’t stupid.

The angel pulled him up, Cadillac and all, with a golden tether of light.

Which he promptly and politely released at 20,000 feet.

The angel wasn’t stupid either.

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