Monday, May 8, 2017

It's a Good Christmas

The Burl Ives Snowman crouches in the snow-filled ruins of an elven workshop. Camera zooms in. He notices it, talks to us directly.

SNOWMAN: You're ... you actually came back? You stupid --

Snowman catches himself. Forces a happy expression on his face.

SNOWMAN: To put it another way .... You're back! And that's a good thing! Heh. Well, don't just stand there. Pull up some wreckage and sit down. 

Camera changes angle. Sideview of Snowman.

Hold a beat. Snowman looks at the camera.

SNOWMAN: Oh, you want to know what happened? Heh.

Snowman forces himself to light a pipe. His snowy hands are shaking.

SNOWMAN: Well ... heh. Last time, I told you about Rudolph and that nose of his. Heh. It raised quite a ruckus, remember? We’d never seen anything like it up in Christmastown. ‘Course, we’d never seen anything like … Andy. (shudders) Heh. Andy the Psychic Reindeer. 

RANKIN BASS TITLE: "It’s a Good Christmas 

CHORUS: (OS) Andy the Psychic Reindeer
Had an omnipotent brain 
And if he didn’t like you 
You would feel horrific pain 
He knew just what you’re thinking 
And if naughty thoughts leaked out 
His mind would turn and twist you 
Until he turned you inside out! 

SNOWMAN: That Island of Misfit Toys? Well ... turns out, Andy made ‘em that way. And that’s a good thing, heh. When Rudolph and Hermie … that poor little … uh … Like I was saying, when Rudolph came back, well, he brought Andy with him! Now Andy’s here all the time. And he just wants to make us happy! That’s why it’s Christmas … all the time. And there’s nothing but snow … why, far as we know, just a dead frozen wasteland from here to infinity. And that’s a good thing. And … why he’s here right now! 

Snowman looks to his left. Where Andy the Psychic Reindeer has teleported right next to him. Snowman forces a smile. Andy studies him, seems displeased.

ANDY: Are you happy, Snowman? 

SNOWMAN: I sure am!

ANDY: No. I sense you are unhappy. 

SNOWMAN: Well, I don’t know why … 

ANDY: Don’t you like all this snow? 

SNOWMAN: I sure do! 

ANDY: I made it just for you.

SNOWMAN: And it’s a good thing! 

ANDY: No. I don’t think you like it. 

SNOWMAN: I love it! 

ANDY: No you don’t.

SNOWMAN: I sure ..

ANDY: Hey, Mr. Snowman! I got an idea!


ANDY: How ‘bout I melt it? Would you like that? 

SNOWMAN: No! I mean yes! 

ANDY: OK, then. Here we go Mr. Snowman! 

Andy’ eyes get a weird glazed look. The infinite snowy wasteland melts. Snowman screams, then plops down into the infinite expanse of water. 

Andy, impossibly, just stands there. Hovering a few millimeters above the boundless waves.

ANDY: Huh. 

Then he walks away across the water like a psychic reindeer Jesus. 

Andy walks out of frame. Hold on waves.

 SOUND: Ffffftt! 

The water freezes over again. 

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