If the shit fits, kick it dept.

While we're on the subject, with my massive voice character actor experience and background in failed animation projects, I would've been ideal for the role of Mr. Hankey, South Park's talking turd. It's not such a leap from talking penis to talking turd, after all. Almost got it, too.

Back in '97, Mike Peters got me the call -- told me to expect it. So I'm waiting by the phone like the ugly chick before the dance. Ring-ring. Caller ID sez: South Park Studios, NYC area code. I pick up ...

Herro. This South Park Studios.

Not Parker and Stone, but some underling with a thick Japanese accent. I managed to spit out one vowel. I ...

We know who you are. Crazy Marty. Mike say you perfect. No send cassette. That not good enough. You come in person. We have studio, OK? We pay for plane ticket 'cause you poor, starving loser. Mike say.

Opportunity knocks. Wow.

Next day, they Fed-Ex'ed me the script, a brief character bio and a non-disclosure agreement. I filled out the forms, learned my lines. I almost flew out to the audition, but changed my mind at the last minute. From a method actor standpoint, it's hard to grasp the character's motivation. The Shaman Penis? I became that part. But Mr. Hankey? I could do the voice, sure. But it's not enough to talk like a turd. I must become the turd. My father always said I was, but it didn't feel right so I called, cancelled the gig and apologized. The Japanese guy again. That OK. Apology not necessary. You never work again. I thanked him, and stayed home and watched cartoons.

Ironically, I felt like shit. But I couldn't lie to myself. I could act like a shit. But I could never become a shit.

Besides which, John Kricfalusi would probably kick the shit out of me.

OK, obscure reference ...

From E! Online. Posted Dec. 22, 1997 --


John Kricfalusi Dumps On Comedy Central
Last week's holiday episode of South Park featured a singing, dancing piece of human feces called Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. This "Yule-log" airing scored an extremely impressive 5.4 rating for Comedy Central--unusually high for cable.

But Kricfalusi--now marketing his 'toons on the Internet--says his bowel-spawned character, Nutty the Friendly Dump, must have inspired the Mr. Hankey concept.

"I got nine messages on my answering machine from people who said [South Park] took like 10 of your ideas and put them into one episode," Kricfalusi tells E! Online.